Mustang, Lust, and Teacher Oh My!
by Ana-Rose Alchemist
Summary: Ed and Al have an awful time at HQ when they are unexpectedly visited by Lust and Teacher. Read and Review, please. Rated T for mild language, I think. Props to TwilightNatalia for the 'November Fools' thing, I hope I spelled your penname right.


Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist.

A/N: This will probably be the suckiest fic in the history of sucky fics but I don't appreciate flames so keep nasty comments to yourselves. I'm also going to point out for future reference that I don't normally make up characters so you won't see that happen very often.

"Both of you, get in here now!" Came Colonel Mustang's voice from somewhere within his office.

Ed and Al approached the door cautiously, wondering why Mustang sounded so angry.

"Sit!" He shouted as soon as they were both in and had closed the door.

Ed and Al rushed to the nearest and only chair available and after a quick round of rock paper scissors and little thought it was decided that Ed would sit in Al's lap.

"That was a total waste of my time. Al, you may go, you've done nothing wrong." Mustang said calmly, looking at the two.

Al grabbed Ed by the shoulders, much to Ed's dismay, and stood. After carefully placing Ed back in the chair he left without a word.

"Fullmetal, Edward, Ed, umm…" Mustang stuttered, standing up and walking beside Ed's chair.

Of course, Ed was immediately frightened, after all, Mustang didn't even call him a pipsqueak or a bean sprout midget or any number of other things that he could have called him. Much to Ed's surprise he pulled him to his feet and then put his hand on Ed's cheek very gently, which sent Edward backwards into his seat and onto the floor so that his feet were in the air.

"What do you think you're doing!!!????" Ed demanded, jumping up and doing his best to get in Mustang's face.

"Ed, calm down, I won't hurt you." Mustang soothed.

"Ah, get away pervert!!" Ed said, running for the door.

The door burst open and Lust (much to his surprise because she was dead the last time he checked) grabbed him around the waist.

"Now, now, Ed. Don't run away-that only makes it worse." She whispered in his ear.

"What!!!???" Ed cried, wrestling against her in an attempt to escape.

She carried him over to Mustang and set him on the edge of the desk. Ed immediately took the opportunity to curl into a little ball and cover his head.

"What's the matter, Ed?" Mustang whispered in Ed's ear, putting his arms around him so that if Ed didn't have his head down their noses would be touching.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SICK PERVERT!!!" Ed shouted, putting his head up.

Mustang released him and backed away slightly. After a quick examination of his face, Mustang turned back to Lust? and shook his head.

"He's not cooperating with us, is he?" He said and she nodded in response.

Lust? approached him and pushed his chin up again so that he was looking her in the eye. That close to her he noticed a wisp of blonde hair protruding from what he could now see was a very bad wig.

"Ed, don't you like me? Why are you shaking so much?" "Lust" said, pouting at him.

"NO, I DON'T!" He shouted, reaching up and pulling the wig off.

A very shocked Winry stood there, looking at the ground now, as if ashamed of herself.

"April Fool's." She muttered, smirking a little.

"IT'S FREAKING NOVEMBER, WINRY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I'M GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES NOW!" He shouted at her.

"Now, now, Fullmetal. Can't you take a little joke?" Mustang cut in, putting his hand between them.

"NO I CAN'T!"

And then he went into a series of incoherent ramblings which were soon cut off by the appearance of Winry's wrench from some unmentionable part of her dress.

"Ah, no!" Ed shouted, running out the door, past Al, and finally disappearing around a corner.

Winry and Mustang came out of the office to find a very confused looking Al staring from them to the corner Ed had disappeared around and back to them.

"What just happened?" Al asked, staring in the direction his brother had gone.

"Umm, we played a little joke on Ed but I guess he didn't like it much." Winry laughed, scratching her head and turning to leave.

"Oh---Brother, wait!" Al shouted, finally running after Ed.

There was a silence as Mustang stood in the corridor and then both boys passed the corner, now apparently running for their lives, and being chased by Izumi Curtis. If she hadn't stopped to cough up blood, both boys would have been in serious trouble because she looked pissed.

"Are you okay?" Mustang said, running down the hallway to help her.

"Yes, I am. Now help me catch those miscreants!" She shouted, wiping her mouth and pushing Mustang away when he attempted to help her up.

In a flash she was on her feet and bright light (alchemy) lit the hallway. The boys, who had taken off as soon as they knew their teacher was okay, ran right into a previously non-existent wall. Both landed, twitching, on the floor-Ed's nose bleeding, Al's head rolling towards her.

"See what you get for trying to escape me when I want to talk to you." She said, standing over them with her arms crossed.

Mustang was now doubled over with laughter and was no longer paying attention to what was going on. After regaining some composure he managed to stand up and stick a hand out for her to shake but she slapped it away and turned back to the two very incapacitated alchemists.

When Ed and Al finally managed to stand up, and Al managed to find his head, they then both had to cover their ears as Izumi went into a ten minute rant on how they hadn't visited her when they were in Dublin. Mustang had retreated to his office but could not escape the yelling and ended up leaving for a safer location, outside.

When she was finished chewing them out she then left without another word, obviously thinking that the wall had been enough punishment for them.

When he knew it was safe, Mustang returned to the wall, where Ed and Al were still standing. After examining the wall from a safe distance he then turned to the boys, who had pressed themselves up against a real wall and were now staring at him.

"I want this wall gone when I come back." Mustang said, heading back to his office to find an aspirin.

A/N: There you have it people, the suckiest fic in the history of sucky fics! Praise welcomed, constructive criticism accepted, flames ignored.


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